I think most of us have seen the new YouTube video, "How not to react when your son tells you that he is gay." If not, I have posted it below. I don't think that many people realize the deep bigotry and hate that is prevalent in many southern 'Christian' households. You may not see the bigotry at first sight. They cover it up and call it, 'Conditional Love, in the name of God' or "I just don't want you to go to hell, dear." Insert fake smile.
I was 26 years old when I came out to my mother. I was actually outed by a local newspaper in Fayetteville, Arkansas. At that time, I was about to go on tour with SONiA and Disappear Fear. The newspaper article mentioned that the band was lead by a Lesbian Activist. My brother worked for the newspaper, and he saw the article first. I had come out to my brother about a year earlier, to a good response, but apparently he thought that he would save my parents some heartache, and so he made sure that they didn't get their newspaper that day. I received a call from my mother about a week later. She and my dad had gone to my sister's house and my sister showed them a copy of the newspaper.
First she asked me if I was, "One of them gay people." When I said, "Yes," there were many tears shed. "You know, Angela, that God does not condone that kind of behavior? If you continue this lifestyle, you will go to hell when you die." Somehow though, by the end of the conversation she had the courage to ask, "How do two women have sex anyway?" Embarrassed and stunned I responded, "Mom, you really don't want to have this conversation. Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to." Little did I know that she really did want to know the answer to that question, because she has continued to ask it throughout the years. Somehow, I still don't have the courage to answer her.
Fortunately, at the time of my outing I did not live with my parents. My dad is a Pentecostal preacher, and I had moved out when I was 18 so that I could have more freedom in my life. But, after leaving disappear fear, rotating through other bands such as Jorian Oxygen, recouping from a neck injury, moving on to write my own music as Oxygen Edge, and a separation from my wife, I find myself yet again living in my parent's household. I have been fortunate that, though they still give me 'hell' about my 'lifestyle choices', they have been there for me as I have been on this financial roller coaster called Independent Musician. Still, the homophobic and bigoted comments that come out of my mother's mouth deeply shatter any gains in strength that I have achieved as an out and vocal feminist lesbian. At some point during my slide to 'head bowed, grateful, I'm-not-going-to-talk-back-but-I'm-still-gay-ness,' I decided to start a diary to help me deal.
12 July 2014
"You should really start dressing more like a girl."
No words
13 July 2014
"Ya know, ____ didn't act gay until he became gay. When you become gay, people start acting their part."
"Mom, people don't become gay, they are born gay."
"No, they're not."
14 July 2014
"Has _____ ever been married?"
"No."
"She's not GAY is she?"
"She has dated women in the past but she has also dated men."
Blank stare
15 July 2014
My mom told me that today God told her his plan for me. She was all smug and happy. Like,
"Thank God there is a reason why I'm being put through the hell of having a daughter who 'says she's a lesbian'. God has a plan."
Should I even ask and did I mention that I'm an atheist?
19 July 2014
"I don't understand. These women go around, not wanting a man in their life, but they sure don't mind using man's sperm so they can have themselves a baby."
5 August 2014
Today I got my mom to dance with me for some exercise. We danced all around the house to Pharrell's song 'Happy'. We had a great time and, afterwards,I decided to take a picture of me and my mom. I then tweeted the photo to The Ellen Show because I was wearing my Ellen shirt. Mom got really upset at the thought that Ellen might put it on her show and people would think that my mom was gay. I said,
"Mom, if your friends are watching The Ellen Show then they must not have a problem with it."
This was her response,
"Ya never know who might be watching it just to see those gays."
All I could do was shake my head and repeat,
"Those gays. Those gays..."
My mom knows that I am a lesbian woman. The idea that I am no different from the people that she has promptly boxed up and labeled "those gays," never even occurs to her. The happiness drained from my whole body. I decided to go outside and sit in the sun to clear my head.
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